So since I started blogging again the goal has been to write at least once or twice a week, but that obviously hasn’t gone as planned. I’ve been really struggling with what to write about. I actually started writing a post recently and then deleted it because I felt it was just too heavy. I’m sure that someone would’ve connected and related to it but I didn’t want to feed the negative emotions, so I stopped.
I needed to step back first and get out of the actual emotions before I could write about it. I know that almost seems counter intuitive, I should be writing when I’m feeling the raw emotion right then and there. It would be the most honest.
But it was too raw, i needed to step back.
But some time has passed so here it is now.
I was looking through my IG (Instagram) feed, and came across a particular friends pic(s). This friend is pretty much living the life that I wanted to live, was hoping to live, in terms of vocation, living situation, etc. And although I am happy this person is experiencing success and blessing in his life, as well as his family, I’m not happy that I’m not living that. So I started hating on him. I’m jealous.
It all starts with the comparing. I compare myself to him. “He’s more deserving than me. I’m not good enough.”
The questioning. “Why him and not me? What did he do that I didn’t do? What did/didn’t I do to be at the place I am now?”
Then comes the anger/arguing with God. “God, I thought you wanted to use me? I thought you wanted to bless me? I Thought this and that. Why? Why not?”
Then I’m all pissed and mental and crap. I hate my life. I hate everyone. I want to check out.
I don’t discount my own immaturity, poor decisions, or some real deep personal issues that I’m working through (which is a whole other argument I’ve had with God). But I just don’t understand. Isn’t God bigger than all of this? isn’t God supposed to be working things out for my good? Wasn’t God able to still keep me on track to live out what was in my heart despite all of this? I mean we hear/read stories like that all the time right?
So why not me?
I battle with the feeling of being stuck and not being able to get out and move forward. I can’t seem to get started or stay consistent with things that are important, whether it’s creative areas or just really practical areas of my life. (I have been working out pretty consistently though, I must say that. That feels great).
I’m just frustrated. I feel stuck.
And what makes this worst is this doesn’t just affect me, but it affects my wife, and eventually my son, if I don’t overcome this. As a husband and a father I want to be a good leader and example to them both, but I feel like I’m in this bubble that I can’t seem to freaking break out of.
I’ve prayed about it and asked God for help.
I have come to some conclusions as to the “why’s and what” of some of my questions, and feel confident about them. But the one thing that keeps me still feeling like I’m hanging is the question of what’s to come. I’ve come to some small level of resolution with the past, but the future is still so vague.
And that is hard for me.
I say I’m OK with letting God be in control, but just as long as He lets me in on His plan. I want details. Can someone say trust issues? Control issues? Yep, that’s me.
So anyway, I’m not sure just how to end this post. I don’t have any complete resolution, I’m still looking for it. I’m going through the process, hoping I’ll make it through with something valuable to offer by way of experience and service. Hoping that all the mess with be redeemed and made into something beautiful.
I don’t question that it can. I question if it will.
What about you?